:: Immaculate Ejaculates ::

:: Friday, June 29, 2007 ::

If you can hold on, hold on.

:: Austin 12:19 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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No promises bitches, but i'm gonna try to bring this bad larry back from the dead. We'll see.

I'm 15 minutes from NYC, working 70hrs a week, f'n tired, stressed and happy. Should those 3 go together? Nah, i don't think so. Somehow it works. We'll see if thats the same in another month or come november. I'll burn those bridges after i cross them.

Heads up, there's a possiblity the pants have been found and you just might get lost in them again.

:: Austin 12:10 AM (1) comments [+] ::
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Dissection of a typical girl's Myspace profile


Hey ya'll my names Christi and I'm 21 years old. I go to NCSU and I love it!!!! I love Jesus and my mom! I'm an out-going person. I luv going to da clubs and getting my dance on! hahaha I just like going out and having a fun time. I am who I am and if you don't like it you can go !@*& yourself! I just live one day at a time. ~~Dance like nobody's watching~~ I luv my girls!!! As far as guys go....well I like hot onez!! lol I'm just looking for a real man, NO BOYS. I just want someone layed back who likes to chill.

Movies: Any romance film, the note book, all comedys. Just no hroror! Ewww.

Books: Uhm.....lol!

Music: Three Six Mafia, Lil John, John Mayer, OAR, Dave Matthews, Nelly, and r&b

Hey ya'll my names Christi and I'm 21 years old. I go to NCSU and I love it!!!!
I applied to Carolina and they didn't let me in. I now root for State by default.

I love Jesus and my mom.
1)No I don't. I assume I'm a Christian because I'm an upper-middle class Caucasian from America. I couldn't list the twelve apostles if my life depended upon it. I think "God helps those who helps themselves" is a Bible verse. 2)My mom's probably just as stupid as I am. 3) Notice how I don't mention my father. He's one of those guys who actually thinks. He has a great job that makes a lot of money because he tried hard in school and isn't nearly the screw-up that I am. I'll squander what money he gives me and probably won't work a job until after college. I resent my father because he actually holds me accountable for my being an idiot.


I'm an out-going person. I luv going to da clubs and getting my dance on! hahaha
I'm boring as all get out. All I do is go out to the same clubs with the same stupid girls hitting on the same stupid guys. My weekend nights are pretty much the same: I take forever to get dressed up like a skank, go to the club, drink way more than I should, and let some stupid guys hit on me...but I don't mind because I'm an attention whore.

I am who I am and if you don't like it you can go !@*& yourself!
I'm a skank. All of my friends are skanks. If ever one were to point out to me my skankiness, I would yell at them for being judgmental while my friends backed me up. I'm probably too stupid to realize that I'm a skank.

I just live one day at a time
Vs. all those people living two and three days at a time.

~~Dance like nobody's watching~~ I luv my girls!!!
1) Stupid quote in every stupid girl's profile 2)The aforementioned skanks. I only love them because they support my debauchery. Again, accountability is frowned upon. We support each other in our whoreness.


As far as guys go....well I like hot onez!!
Beyond that, I have no real preference. Because I'm too stupid to understand the world around me, aesthetics are the only thing I care about. I'll probably end up marrying someone who majored in Phys ed. He'll be just as much of a whore as me, will inevitably cheat on me, but that's okay because I'll be boinking the pool boy. Our marriage will be loveless and our children will grow up to be horrible people, just like us. He'll divorce me in our mid-40's and his new girlfriend will be in her early twenties. I'll become bitter and remember my glory days of skankdom in college.

lol I'm just looking for a real man, NO BOYS.
Vs. all the fake ones running around. I've dated a lot of jerks and I'll continue to do so. I'll complain about how horrible guys are, yet when someone comes along who would actually treat me well, I'll write him off. I'll continue to date "fixer-uppers" because I'm an idiot girl.

I just want someone layed back who likes to chill.
My active vocabulary is horrible. I can't even spell "laid" correctly, even though it's something with which I'm quite familiar. By someone "layed back" I mean someone who wouldn't challenge me on any level. Again, they have to be aesthetically pleasing, but beyond that I'm indiscriminate. By "likes to chill" I mean as boring as I am. If their life has any depth to it whatsoever, they probably aren't the person for me. Anything outside of clubbing might mean I have to think every once in awhile.



Movies: Any romance film, the note book, all comedys. Just no hroror! Ewww.
I'm stupid. If you suggested watching an indie film or a documentary, I'd probably complain because I wouldn't understand. You see, my brain is nearly in atrophy and anything beyond a 3rd grade comprehension level really stumps me. My movie collection is that of every typical, boring, slutty girl. Again, I misspell a word because I'm an idiot.

Books:Uhm.....lol!
If you don't find my idiocy attractive, I'm not interested in talking to you. Remember, I'm a moron. I turn my nose up at the notion of reading. I think words are hard. Somehow I plan on being a doctor/lawyer/something way out of my reach, yet I hate reading. You can probably tell that I'm a skank just by the lack of a book selection.

Music: Three Six Mafia, Lil John, John Mayer, OAR, Dave Matthews, Nelly, and r&b
I listen to dumb music. John Mayer is in there not because I enjoy the quality of his music and really respect him as a musician, but rather that's what everyone else listens to, so I might as well. Even though I'm a stupid white girl, I love the gangster rap they play in the clubs because it allows me to dance around like a moron and grind into guys I don't know. I drive around in my car that my parents bought me (my 4th one, actually. I have a horrible driving record because I'm always dancing and talking on my cell phone while driving)listening to this while wearing a visor. Yes, my car has one of those hawaiian deals on the mirror because I'm typical.

:: Josh McManaway 4:42 AM (17) comments [+] ::
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Fighting the war on Terriers




Terror-Alert.com

:: Dan 2:15 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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Christianity for kids....is this site for real??

:: Dan 12:18 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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I thought I'd repost something awesome from the archives:


:: Sunday, February 01, 2004 ::

So I'd like to start a new blog feature: Andy Deconstructs Girls' Stupid Profile / Away Message Quotes. Snazzy name, huh? I already did that one about the kings and the jacks in the deck of cards, if you'll remember. So, two times = a blog feature. Anyway...

*everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, then it's not the end*

A while ago I realized you can say whatever you want. As long as it sounds good, people will quote you on it and pass it around to their friends, regardless of whether or not it has any merit. This sounds nice and it sure is uplifting, but come on! Everything works out in the end if you're a rich suburban white kid, sure. Talk to a homeless schizophrenic dying on the streets of DC and ask him if he agrees. F.

i asked you if i was pretty.. you said, "no." i asked you if i was fat, you said, "yes of course." i asked you if you *wanted* to be with me forever.. you said, "no." i asked you if you would cry if i walked away, you said "no." by then i had heard too much and needed to leave..
but as i turned to walk away.. you grabbed my arm and told me to stay.. then you said..
"your not pretty.. your beautiful. the only thing fat, or big, about you is your heart. i dont *want* to be with you forever, i *need* to be with you forever and, i wouldn`t cry if you walked away . . . i would die"

Is there a sappiness shortage somewhere that I'm not aware of? I would think that to put something that long and sappy in your profile, it would have to be somewhat clever or entertaining or even cute. Would a guy ever say that? Scratch that, I don't care if he's trying to be cute, but he wouldn't get away with saying you're fat long enough to make the sappy little play on words without getting popped in the mouth. Besides, what's wrong with you? Girls suffering from low self esteem interrogating guys about if they're fat and ugly: Get over yourselves and learn to spell. F.

jersey girls have that special inner glow that makes them more beautiful than any other girls - bon jovi

Okay, now that's just a lie. That special inner glow comes from toxic waste. Jersey girls... Jesus. F.

And don't misconstrue any of this, I'm actually in a great mood. Supa Bowl!


We are a societal and cultural vacuum.

:: Andy 4:48 PM (8)comments [+] :

:: Dan 11:02 PM (2) comments [+] ::
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I feel the need to share what I'm listening to right now. Kind of like a Lostinmypants Celebrity Playlist, except I'm not a celebrity. So in no particular order, here's what I'm digging right now.

1. Pedro the Lion - The Longer I Lay Here

2. ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead... - Caterwaul

3. The Album Leaf - Twenty Two Fourteen

4. The Annuals - Bushy Tailed

5. Death Cab for Cutie - Underwater!

6. The Appleseed Cast - On Reflection

7. Blonde Redhead - Elephant Woman

8. Cities - Cons, Thieves, and Murderers

9. The Go! Team - Huddle Formation

10. The Jealous Sound - What's Wrong is Everywhere

11. M83 - Don't Save us from the Flames

12. MC Chris - Ratz

13. Of Montreal - So begins our Alabee

14. Shout Out Louds - The Comeback



Currently watching on TV: The Office


Well enjoy me.

:: Dan 2:40 AM (0) comments [+] ::
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From my Atlanta Trip:



Douchburgers anyone??

EDIT: Now featured on Collegehumor. Go me!

:: Dan 3:41 PM (1) comments [+] ::
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I really do heart George W. Here's an excerpt from a Fox News interview with him about his iPod. Pretty gosh darn funny stuff.


Bush : Beach Boys, Beatles, let's see, Alan Jackson, Alan Jackson, Alejandro, Alison Krauss, the Angels, the Archies, Aretha Franklin, the Beatles, Dan McLean. Remember him?

Hume: Don McLean.

Bush: I mean, Don McLean.

Hume: Does "American Pie," right?

Bush: Great song.

Hume: Yes, yes, great song.

Unidentified male: . . . which ones do you play?

Bush: All of these. I put it on shuffle. Dwight Yoakam. I've got the Shuffle, the, what is it called? The little.

Hume: Shuffle.

Bush: It looks like.

Hume: The Shuffle. That is the name of one of the models.

Bush: Yes, the Shuffle.

Hume: Called the Shuffle.

Bush: Lightweight, and crank it on, and you shuffle the Shuffle.

Hume: So you -- it plays . . .

Bush: Put it in my pocket, got the ear things on.

Hume: So it plays them in a random order.

Bush: Yes.

Hume: So you don't know what you're going to going to get.

Bush: No.

Hume: But you know --

Bush: And if you don't like it, you have got your little advance button. It's pretty high-tech stuff.

Hume: . . . be good to have one of those at home, wouldn't it?

Bush: Oh?

Hume: Yes, hit the button and whatever it is that's in your head -- gone.

Bush: . . . it's a bad day, just say, get out of here.

Hume: Well, that probably is pretty . . .

Bush: That works, too. ( Laughter )

Hume: Yes, right.

:: Dan 5:00 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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It's been literally like six months since I've posted on here. I was going to just post again without comment, but... we'll, I've fucked that up, haven't I?

First of all, go watch R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." Now. Get up, go get it.

Two, I tried Dan's facial recognition thing and got... nobody. WTF?

Third, I've decided I'm completely done with Christmas lists. Birthday lists too, probably. It's not that I'm on a crusade against the commercialization of Christmas or anything, but in a moment of cynical realization, I realized that if everybody goes by lists, you might as well just buy everything you want for yourself, because you're generally going to spend the same amount of money and you know what you're getting. I mean, hear hear for the American economy, but I just strongly dislike the concept.

So what I'm gonna do from now on is make a list of pretty much everything I own. All the DVDs I have, what computer software/hardware I have, film gear I have, other various and sundry appliances, you get the idea. I'll update it every time a major holiday comes around and send it out. Surprise me. If you can't at least wander around a Best Buy and pick out something you think I'd like, you probably don't need to worry about getting me anything at all, no hard feelings.

Oh, and the movie's about two months away from completion. For real this time. Holler.

:: Andy 3:16 PM (1) comments [+] ::
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So this is pretty fun.

You can upload pictures of yourself to this heritage foundation website, and it will automatically scan the features and match you to celebrities you look like (facial features wise).

My first picture my top match was Brad Pitt(67%), but thats good enough for me.

However, the second picture of me, the number one match was Franklin Deleno Roosevelt (56%). Classy

The third and final pic i uploaded, my top match was Quentin Tarantino (60%). So obviously it's not 100% reliable.

Edit: Further pictures of me matched me closely to Shirley Temple (61%) and Liza Minelli (57%), so I'm not sure what to think. I 'll just go with Brad Pitt.

Edit 2: An examination of a picture of a kitten links it to Billy Corgan (42%) I find that funny.

:: Dan 4:57 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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This article was posted on Fark today.

It has Jennifer Aniston topless, and it makes me happy.

And Josh, i wouldn't worry to much about forum wars on fark. 99% need to ...

:: Austin 9:30 PM (0) comments [+] ::
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These facts about Chuck Norris are completely true. I wasn't aware he was such a powerful figure.


My favorites from the list include:

1)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
2)If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
3)There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
4)Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
5)Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas
6)The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

:: Dan 12:29 PM (1) comments [+] ::
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Me and my brother were out tonight playing beer pong. I had the worst beer pong night of my life and went home dejected, but he ran the table for over 20 games straight. Needless to say, he was trashed. What does that have to do with anything? Well I just woke up to the sound of running water. I thought maybe the sink was on. I step out of my room to look, and what do i see but my buck-naked ass brother pissing into our tv set (side note: we have a hollowed out old 45 inch projection TV that we use to store blankets and a sleeping bag...he was actually peeing into that). Not only was he peeing into that, but he was trying to scratch his name into his arm with a dart.

Now this isn't anything extraordinary. When my brother gets trashed he likes to piss all over things that he shouldn't, sometimes with terrible consequences. Needless to say this time I wasn't amused.

I yelled at him to go to bed and stop acting like a dog, pissed that'd I'd have to clean up his mess again, but instead decided to go back to bed and leave it for him to clean. So I close the door, lay back down. All of a sudden my door flings open and my naked brother comes in and passes out on top of me...naked. Now I'm pissed. I turn on the light and demand he get the fuck out of my bed.

No Reponse.

I take the covers and my pillow, turn on the light and yell at him to get his naked ass out of my bed.

No Response.

I slam his head into the wall and tell him to get the fuck out of my room.

Response.

"Wh...What the fuck man. Stop fucking doing that"

I do it again, and get up. He lumbers after me.

"I'm going to kick your ass"

I dart into his room, he follows. He kicks over the water i had courteously left for him earlier in the night. He swings with a clumsy left hook. I duck under the blow and take advantage of his momentary lack of balance and push him into his bed. Luckily for me he was too drunk to get back up. I turn off the light and close the door.

Needless to say I'm now sleeping with my doors locked.

:: Dan 3:01 AM (1) comments [+] ::
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I need to write this while i'm still recovering from my 9 beer, 4 jagerbomb buzz and it's still fresh in my mind.

I just had a really arousing/disturbing night.

It all started about 10 pm when I made my way down to one of my frequented bars on Franklin St., Deep End. 25 cent draft night always makes for good stories so after pounding down a couple of jagerbombs, I decided to chill for a bit. My friend Chris was in town, and we were both kind of bored, it was a slow night so we were a little upset. But as our other friends left, we decided to keep the dream alive.

A few beers later, I call up my friend Paul. Him and a few other friends are hitting up bars in the area. We head down to Goodfellows, share a few laughs and a lot of good Pittsburgh Steeler talk before I convince them to head to Topo for the remainder of the night.

Topo we do pretty much the same thing: hit on girls and drink. It's all normal and kind of slow still so we go get some food. I drive Chris and Paul and them all back to their respective apartments, something I probably should have been more careful about, but I don't think I was that drunk. I made it safely thats whats important.

As I'm pulling back into my apartment complex and getting out of my car, I spot my trashed neighbor Gina getting out of her car. We're talking and she's walking to our neighbors place, who i haven't met, so i decide i'll meet a neighbor. Keep in mind i'm still coming down off a serious buzz and its at least 2:30 in the morning.

We knock on the door and it opens up to the scene of four of the hottest girls you've ever seen dancing almost naked, in only underwear, in front of a couple guys. "Weird ," I think. "If i would have known this apartment was like this I'd have been over a long time ago." I walk in and take a seat. Meet the guys, get the girls names and proceed to enjoy quite possibly the best show I've ever seen.

After some serious rubbing, some dancing, and a little bit of frustration, I go to the kitchen to take some shots. I down a few. All of a sudden I feel it all coming up. I run to the bathroom and let it out. Wow, good first impression. I swish some mouth wash, rinse out my mouth and try to contain the mess. I walk back down and take my seat and experience some more fun.

By now it's 3:30. I look around for Gina - she's nowhere to be seen. She left disgusted with the show about an hour before. I didn't really care, I was drunk enough that sitting in a strange apartment surrounded by naked girls and strange people i didn't know didn't phases me. I go and talk to the hottest girl, who was now topless, but taking a break. I invite her to take a few shots with me and she readily agrees.

I'm talking to her, and I ask her what year it is, desperately trying not to stare at her gorgeous, naked body. In retrospect it's silly that i took such care not to appear to be an ass, considering she had been all up on the dicks of all the guys attendence not three minutes prior. She tells me she's a junior. Being a senior, I think thats not too bad. I ask her if she goes here, and she says no. I asked her where she went and she answered "Chapel Hill High School.

Jesus Christ, these four naked girls were high schoolers. I immediately felt what I can best describe as a mix of panic and confusion. These girls were among the hottest I've ever seen, yet two of them were 17 and two of them were 16. One of the 16 year olds...the one I was talking to.

She invited me to stay the night with her, and despite me repeating to my self, WWTD, I couldn't bring myself to stay and hurried off downstairs to my apartment.

Sadly their still up there, gyrating through my mind. If only I had no morals, If only I didn't care about defiling these girls, tonight would be a much better night. But for now I'm stuck wondering what the fuck was up with tonight. The owner of the apartment passed out moments after I met her, so I doubt she'll remember me. But for first impressions, this was one of the strangest I've ever experienced.

NOTE: I found out from one of the guys in attendence that one of the dancing, slutty girls was the owner of the apartments 16 year old sister. Apparently she had never had sex with a guy, seen a penis, or even made out with a guy. Somehow the older sister thought it'd be a wonderful idea to let her little sis get drunk, strip naked, and dance up on random college guys for fun.

I fucking hope to God I never have a daughter.

:: Dan 5:00 AM (3) comments [+] ::
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